So, can you identify the things wrong with this email, that accompanied a recent application?
My name is John Doe. I am a 48 year old professional. I just left an internet start-up here in Springfield. It is Generic Company Name and they are re-organizing and I disagreed with their diminishing compensation package for the sales team.
I also have experience with Second Company here in Springfield and Third Company in Seattle, WA. I graduated from Local State University, went to work for Fourth Company as an Advertised Position Title and have worked for Hilton hotels and several [Related Businesses] in Ireland.
I have open availability with the exception of Thanksgiving (folks in town).
I can be reached via e-mail or on my cell 555 867-5309
I look forward to hearing from you.
1. Obviously your age is an issue, you know it's an issue, and you're putting it up front to try and get it out there. So there's either a lack of confidence or a large issue regarding your age. Perhaps at the previous company you felt out of touch and out of date?
2. The third sentence is about you leaving a local start-up company.
3. Your fourth sentence is about your salary disagreements, so you're likely very salary-focused.
4. The wide variety of places you've worked looks like you're a gypsy or transient.
5. Listing out other irrelevant jobs with well-known companies makes it seem like you couldn't handle corporate life, but you want to trade on the brands of those major companies. You probably worked there 20 years ago and it's irrelevant.
6. It's normal to be unavailable on major holidays, but you had to qualify it by explaining why? It's just odd, it sounds like you're making an excuse.
7. You don't even take the time to write out "Regards" - you probably cut a lot of corners.
How you could have made this better:
1. Keep it very short and succinct. Basically say, "I am interested in this job. I have the experiences and qualifications to do it well and start strong, as evidenced by my attached resume. I am available to meet at your convenience and look forward to hearing from you." -- That's all you need to say. That's all someone wants to read. They don't want a synopsis of your resume. If you had one really strong thing to say, put that in the first sentence. If you don't have something strong to say, keep it simple and to the point.
2. Don't abbreviate or use shorthand in these kind of communications. The old rule was to even avoid contractions.
3. Never talk bad about previous employers.
4. Never mention that you left because of a money dispute.
5. After 5 years working, your education is frankly irrelevant.
6. Never list your age, don't make it an issue.
7. Try not to list irrelevant prior employers.
8. Remember to try and tailor the information you're giving to a potential employer to look useful, relevant and valuable to the employer.